Around the world in 80c

WORDS BY ISO MCDONALD

People ask me how I manage to balance constant holidaying with my full time unemployment. Here are my top 7 tips for keeping costs low and morale high. I have legitimately done all of these.

Eating Out  

Just because you're on a budget doesn't mean you have to compromise on fun. A big expense is paying for drinks when you're out. I suggest drinking drinks that people have left on the side of the dance floor or at the DJ booth or in the bathroom. Communicable diseases make them taste a lot better. If you don't drink, or fancy a quick bite to eat, this strategy also works at most mid-range restaurants and festivals, or really anywhere where the eagle-eyed workers are too busy to spot a quick seagull.

Meals

If second-hand food and drink isn’t your thing, then you’ll need to find another way to make savings. By eating only bread, you can fill your stomach for a price that won’t empty your wallet. Every once in a while you can treat yourself to an orange to stave off the scurvy, but otherwise, bread is your best friend. Brunch time is over, kiddo.

Leisure

Even on a budget holiday, you deserve a treat. I like to treat myself to the theatre and in 3 easy steps you can too!

  1. Dress up nice and go to the fancy hotel district (should be near the opera house)
  2. Set your tinder location range to <1km and age range 50+.
  3. Wait

Accommodation

Another huge expense is accommodation. The way I see it, most of us spend a lot of time just lying on the beach all day. What's the harm in just lying there a few more hours? Dig yourself a big comfy hole, get a friend to tuck you in (bury you) and sleep tight, don't let the beach bugs bite! Handy hint - remember to check where the high tide mark is!

Culture

A huge expense is paying entrance fees for museums and galleries. An easy way around this is to just go to a place where there's nothing interesting to see. No temptation = no expense. I recommend Zurich or Brussels. Alternatively, trace your ancestry back until you find an Irish forebear and apply for an EU passport and take advantage of the heavily reduced EU admission prices.

Transport

This one requires some pre-planning and patience. Hop onto insta and make yourself a train enthusiast Instagram account. Post pics of new trains, old trains, train timetables, train station, train conductors, etc. with a good lead-in time to your holiday. Then, DM regional train operators from this account and offer them the chance to be featured in exchange for some free rides. Low success rate but worth the effort if it works. Check out @i.love.trains.sooooo.much for inspo.

Activities

Holidaying in North Africa, Central America or Eastern Europe? Stuck for something to do? Stuck digestively speaking from your bread-only diet? Take a nice big sip of the tap water until desired effects are achieved. This should kill a few days and get rid of your weak hostel roommates who can’t even hack a bit of vomit on the sheets or floor or shoe rack. Remember - water is free and if you’re spending you’re losing.
 
Good luck & happy saving!

Pulp Editors