The Bachelor Australia Recap: We Praise Osher For The Safe Return of Vakoo
By Ellie Stephenson
After 6 dire days without the Bachelor, we are back with episode 3! So is Vakoo, thankfully, who has made a full recovery after missing the last episode with an illness.
The girls update her on the drama she’s missed, most notably the emerging divisions between the ‘old girls’ and ‘new girls’. Rachael, who explicitly said last week that she wouldn’t be making the new girls feel welcome, is shocked that the intruders haven’t integrated into the mansion. She tells us -- a lot -- that she doesn’t like them. The only thing she seems to dislike more than the newcomers is hyaluronidase.
We cut to Matt’s golden ticket date with Elly. He is introducing her to Melbourne, his hometown, by showing her around Flemington racecourse. She doesn’t actually seem to see very much of Melbourne but it is cute. Matt arrives in a horse-drawn carriage, reaffirming the fact that Bachie is a show of old-fashioned romance: roses, carriages, 20 women sharing a boyfriend.
Elly reveals she is a retiree at heart, complimenting Flemington’s well-maintained lawn and the couple sing the praises of ride-on mowers. They lift up the Melbourne Cup supervised by Gai Waterhouse and her old-bougie-lady accent.
They chat about their pasts and this seems candid and not weird. Elly is chill and sweet. They kiss and she gets a rose. They get muscle aches from smiling too much. All this makes up for the first 10 minutes of Up, and Ellie representation in the media is redeemed.
This is all too cute so we move to a group date, a new girls vs. old girls AFL match supervised by two hapless GWS players who are trying their best not to judge. The two identical Not-Like-Other Girls, Monique and Nichole, are good. Everyone else is confused. In the end, Nichole triumphs in this bout of pick-me-ery and scores the final goal, winning both the game and a single date card.
Her single date is excruciating. Nichole doesn’t seem to like Matt much but definitely does like competing with other women, so attempts to put her best foot forward. The problem is, she is very boring. She is the CCP-agent-Kristen of sport. Minutes pass achingly as she lists the sports she played in high school. She offers to list more, but Matt -- suppressing his fight or flight response -- laughs nervously and reassures her he knows she’s good at things.
Back at the mansion, Vakoo is absolutely correct that this date has zero chemistry and that Matt will not kiss Nichole. He does give her a rose, which falls apart as he attempts to hand it to her. Astrologist Matt kicks in and he declares this disintegration “some kind of sign.” It’s not looking good between this Man of Science and Nichole.
While Matt mumbles awkwardly about cheese to distract from the rose incident, Nichole monologues to the camera about how much he definitely likes her. Although she hasn’t got a kiss, she decides this is because he’s a gentleman. Breaking a sweat, she rationalises that she has “left him wanting more.” We can only assume ‘more’ refers to the 30 other sports she played in high school, in which case he certainly is not keen.
We re-enter the mansion accompanied by a montage of people laughing at - not with - cheerleader Nikki. A surprise single date card is introduced. Because it mentions engines, Nichole thinks it’s for her, as she can drive manual. Even I, a perpetual Ls driver, am not that impressed.
Unfortunately for Nichole, Monique can also drive. Pick-me-ery Round 2 begins, with the Not-Like-Other Girls battling it out over whose adrenal gland is more overused. Monique approaches this round with a plan. She intercepts Matt, asking him to go have a chat in the tone of a concerned preschool teacher. She’s prepared a treasure hunt, which she says involved Matt inspecting parts of her in the bushes. This sounds a lot more forward that it is - actually she has littered the mansion with artifacts from her various extreme sports. Matt is impressed by the effort; she gets the date card and a rose. Nichole purses her minimal lips in anger. Her frown is barely restrained by her aggressively high ponytail.
The rose ceremony happens. 3 brunettes suffer from screen-time-deprivation and are sent home. The episode closes with echoes of Nichole, forebodingly, warning Monique that “karma’s a bitch”. Well, if karma isn’t, the mansion has a couple spare.
Best line: Nichole on Monique - “She’s just a blonde fucking bitch with a tan”, for pure hypocrisy.
Kristen’s social credit score: 992 - 8 points deducted for sheer lack of on-screen presence.
Episode score: 9/10 - Elly was cute, drama is heating up, but we suffered from a lack of CCP propaganda.