The Bachelor Australia Recap: Like A Good Wee, Nikki Let Things Flow
By Ellie Stephenson
Episode 7 starts with a discussion between Helena and Sogand. They are mulling over last week’s events and have come to the hardly shocking conclusion that Abbie ratted out Monique to get her off the show. They decide this means she is not there for the hallowed Right Reasons, a Bachelor-classic concept wielded against anyway who’s just a bit too strategic. Sogand, despite clearly being on the brink of embroiling herself in yet more Abbie-related drama, tells us she hopes she’s not part of Abbie’s nefarious schemes and carefully constructed hit list. I, however, fervently hope she is, because Abbie’s near-Shakespearean plots are making this show worth watching.
Once we’re caught up with the mansion’s latest tensions, we get a group date. This date card comes with a blindfold, which prompts unhinged cheerleader Nikki to say “Fifty Shades of Matt” and laugh hornily at her own joke. Thankfully, Nikki is prevented from performing more comedy because accented arch-clinger Emma finally gets her group date. Emma is tall, with romance writer energies and a burning infatuation for Matt. She has started to annoy me less over the last week so I’m looking forward to a revival of the Jarrod-style narrative arch we were all hoping for. She tells us that she wants to demonstrate how serious she is about finding love, examining her ring finger contemplatively.
This date is -- hardly unsurprisingly -- not kinky. Production, having burned its budgets on airplanes, oranges and banana bread catering, has borrowed from the Masterchef filming budget. As they no longer have to support Matt Preston’s cravat habit or George’s insatiable greed, they now have the money to provide the Bachelor with a gourmet blind tasting meal in a castle. Poor Emma is worries about being fed insects, while Matt, as on every food date, produces a bunch of innuendoes about putting things in mouths.
Matt is impressed with Emma’s expressiveness and likes that she is giddy around him. I am sad because he hasn’t asked about her accent, which is nicer than Helena’s. Apparently accents are only “intoxicating” if they come with a game reserve. She tells him he means the world to her. This is a bit freaky but also a missed opportunity for a space pun. Nonetheless, Matt seems to like her, giving her a slab of wood decorated with the sound wave for her apparently striking quota on the red carpet: “I love being in love”. Emma is overcome by this year 8 woodwork project, even though, like all D&T creations, it is destined to collect dust. She gets a rose and a kiss. She may be a bit too enthusiastic but I don’t hate this.
Osher’s penchant for nonsensical group dates shows up once again, with a game centred around ranking each other based on Matt’s desired qualities in a partner. The first one is “selflessness”. There is some chaos, but eventually Cass selflessly stands at the most selfish end, illustrating the complete wackiness of this game. Down the other end is Kristen, who has no sense of self, just the best interests of the Chinese state at heart.
The most selfless girls get roses and are allowed to sit out from the rest of the game. Their job is to vote on the bottom 2 of each of the following categories to see who to kick out from the game. The first quality is ‘fun’, which sees Abbie proclaim herself the most fun (this is probably true; she certainly does drive the plot) and Cass get eliminated. Then there’s intelligence. Nichole tells us she is “smart but not book smart”, by which she definitely just means ‘not smart’. She doesn’t get eliminated though, because Nikki, whose brain capacity is entirely devoted to destroying syntax and making cheer chants, is voted out. She exits blythely, making possibly the most gormless face in history.
Sogand gets eliminated on her lack of passion, leaving the final three -- Abbie, Mary, and someone named Bree. This last trio is ranked on their honesty. Abbie puts herself first, which is obviously a lie in itself. She tells us “I literally like… cannot lie” in the manner of a young lib claiming to be independent. Mary tells us “that bitch lies a lot”, and even though this is clearly true, Mary is voted out. This leaves Bree and Abbie, who get some one-on-one time with Matt.
Bizarrely, this one-on-one time is voyeuristically watched back at the mansion. First up is Abbie, who, under the panopticon gaze of the other girls, continues to charm Matt. The bachelorettes tell us she has him wrapped around her finger, but it seems imminently possible it could be more than her finger. Bree has a very different dynamic with Matt. She tells him that she enjoys eye spy and likes fun. Matt, who is not keen on dating toddlers, gives the rose to Abbie. The other women solemnly eat their carefully-product-placed Magnums to cope with her triumph.
Osher materialises and explains that tonight’s rose ceremony will be ‘live’; Matt will gradually give people roses over the course of the night and one person will be summarily kicked off.
This causes some chaos. First, Sogand, who says she is non-confrontational, confronts Abbie about her ‘marriage and kids’ lie last episodes. Abbie pretends to be shocked at Sogand’s obviously correct take. She’s doing a Monique and forgetting she was definitely filmed lying. She gives a tenuous denial and leaves, to Sogand’s disgust.
Meanwhile, Nikki is in crisis that she might not get a rose tonight. Kristen proves she is not just a CCP agent but also an alien when she says, “you are such a special person on this earth”, with all the emotion of a distant black hole. The girls advise Nikki to be herself and let things flow, to which she replies “like a good wee”, which is evidence enough that she should definitely not be herself. She has a chat with Matt where she is shockingly awkward, claiming to be staring at the soles of his shoes and admitting that what she wants in a relationship is good sex. Regrettably, we have already seen her orgasm face because she does it every time she gets a rose.
Finally, Bree gets a chance to redeem herself, and fails miserably. She tells Matt she has no long term goals for the future and doesn’t think more than a week ahead at any given time. She reveals herself to be the female equivalent of beanied dudes who don’t like labels. Matt wants to date a grownup and shows her to the car. She drives into the distance, leaving the viewer still wondering who she is.
Best line: “more full of shit than all the lactose intolerant people here” - Nikki, on Abbie. Um. Thanks Nikki?
Kristen’s CCP score: 970 (skyrocketing, for selflessness and a valiant attempt to show emotion).
Episode score: 7/10 - kind of dull but clearly setting up some fantastic Abbie vs. Sogand drama.