The Bachelor Australia Recap: Emma has a body buried somewhere
By Madeline Ward
Matt Agnew has been swearing up and down that he’s in this for love, not Instagram sponsorship, which is semi believable. He seems genuine enough, but I refuse to believe that this incredibly handsome 31 year old astrophysicist has been unsuccessful with conventional dating methods. I may be a cynic, but a stint on the Bachelor may be just the ticket Matt needs to turn himself into some kind of hot Australian Neil de Grasse Tyson.
Career aspirations aside, in this episode we got our first single date! And it goes to engineer Sogand, a woman who is beautiful and terrifying. Matt and Sogand get in a helicopter, find some formal wear in the forest, and watch an orchestra in the moonlight. Producers are clearly so eager to scrub Nick Cummins from our collective consciousness that they’ve unintentionally created something so romantic that it is deeply sinister.
Sogand and Matt share a pash and a rose, and Sogand shares the details of that pash with the girls at the mansion. Emma looks increasingly distressed, because she’s forgotten that she’s sharing her boyfriend with 18 other women.
There’s an ad for Tradie undies featuring the Honey Badger in almost every break, which feels vaguely like a hate crime.
Matt puts on a pair of fake hot nerd glasses to take all the ladies on a group date, in which they shoot arrows while he watches. It's all a bit boring, but chemical engineer Chelsea gets the rose. A step forward for women in STEM!
In the meantime, a stretch Hummer with eight new women has pulled up. It includes Hot Monique, Cheerleader Promo Girl and Neck Tattoos, whom I am immediately obsessed with. We find out that the producers are making the old girls watch the new girls meet Matt, which is equal parts sadistic and brilliant.
As an aside: The China Girl has NOT had anywhere near enough screen time in this episode. I demand justice for the CCP plant.
The girls all have relatively cute and normal entrances, with the exception of the Children’s Entertainer That Plays a Ukulele and Cheerleader Girl, who has prepared a routine just for Matt. Nichole thinks that Hot Monique is her doppelganger, which is absolutely the most untrue thing I have ever heard. Nichole is performing a second-rate imitation of Hot Monique, who I can only assume is here ready to consume her lesser iteration in an act of supreme Hot Mean Blonde Girl Dominance.
One of the new women is Persian, a fact that aggrieves (also Persian) Sogand severely. Sogand shouts “get out” in Farsi when the New Persian Girl starts feeding Matt pashmak, which is deeply amusing.
The cocktail party is largely uneventful, aside from the mysterious absence of Vakoo, and the dulcet tones of Emma’s increasingly unhinged commentary. Six girls go home, including the New Persian Girl and the Lord of the Rings Freak from the first episode. Vale.
Best Line: Sogand hissing “get out” in Farsi
Episode Score: 8/10