The Lizzie Maguire Movie Turns Fourteen
WORDS BY BELLA WIGGS
Earlier this week, The Lizzie McGuire Movie turned fourteen. In a fit of nostalgia-fuelled, passage-of-time-related crisis (like, how old do you feel now), I sat down to watch the only film I can almost recite in full, and counted down the best of its most quotable moments.
“This young-a woman should-a stay in bed-a. Uh, she - she should also eat-a two-a apricots.” “Oh, for digestion or...?” “No, they're-a in season! Very delicious.” It’s just funny. Between the doctor and the doorman (“Ah! Si! Si! I call a cab!”) in this film, we fell in love with Italians even more. I’ve also been told since writing this that Italian apricots are also legitimately better than Australian ones. Go figure.
“Hey! You know this Paolo and Isabella CD isn't so bad. I mean if you're into the Alanis Morissette-y alternative, dark, like brooding, I-never-go-out-into-the-sunshine-and-my-life's-a-miserable-black-hole-of-depression kinda thing, then you'd think they stink. But I mean for a like driving-around-in-the-car-with-the-top-down-putting-on-your-lip-gloss-loving-life kinda thing, they're good!”
“Here, listen...” Though I think the screenwriters seriously overlooked the logistics of that last part. Hair + lip gloss + wind = no thank you.
Easily one of the best scenes in the whole film, where Gordo spots some local girls behind the cover of a magazine Lizzie/Isabella Parigi is/are featured on. The only way they will offer intel is if he introduces them to Ethan, who remains at a souvenir stand lamenting over the “old school” rig displayed on a statuette of Michelangelo’s David (which is actually in Florence, not Rome, FIY). “It is your friend we like…” “Word.” “Uh-a, word-ta? Is that his name?” “Yeah, sure.”
“So what? You've never had spaghetti for breakfast before?”
And the whole ‘bit’ about Ethan’s obsession… From “so I suppose you've never had a spaghetti sandwich before?” (you’re lying if you say you didn’t try this after, because God knows I did, and was sorely disappointed – not a lot of textural synergy), to Gordo using it as a cop out, and of course Kate admitting “I’d eat carbs if an Italian boy bought them for me!” Wouldn’t we all.
“The Tide is High”
The opening that made a generation rediscover Blondie. Also features the second best outfit in the film – your socks should always feature an obnoxious pattern, and match your top.
“Well, I cannot put clothes on this. You – fix-a the hair, fix-a the eyebrows, fix-a the lips. Oh! And fix-a the ears!”
“Fix the ears?” “Jewellery!” Oh how we all longed for such a makeover, and even just one of the outfits Lizzie walked down the catwalk with following this, set to a cover of RuPaul’s ‘Supermodel (You Better Work)’ nonetheless.
Or “Gordo…” *Lizzie kisses Gordo* “Thanks…” and then came the fireworks, with a cartoon Tinkerbell to draw the film to its close. Adorable, but also really mean. Lizzie was actually really mean! There weren’t any episodes released after the film, but if there were, I doubt they’d have featured a romance between the two. Poor, poor Gordo, but regardless, this scene is still what I think of every time I see fireworks.
“Lizzie McGuire, you are an outfit repeater!”
“Only you would think that you could hide that powder blue, puffy sleeved, it's kind of a peasant dress, but it's really a questionable disaster of fiber content that you wore to the spring dance.” Iconic. Probably also the origin of our entire generation’s anxiety around wearing the same thing twice – what a concept.
“Sing to me, Paolo!”
Almost as good as “How’d ya like them apples?” Which is huge. Also the precursor to what has got to be the greatest musical moment in the history of teen (or maybe even all) cinema. Contro opinion: “Hey now! Hey now! This is what dreams are made of!” > “Hey now, hey now. Don’t dream it’s over.”