5 Budget Discussion Points to Make You Seem Cool and Knowledgeable in Front of Your Lame Friends

WORDS BY HARRY LICENCE

No doubt, somebody is going to try to talk to you about the budget today. This person sucks and most likely knows less about it than you do. Luckily Pulp Media’s resident economics expert, Harry Licence has accumulated five easy talking points to make it seem like you know shit (you don’t).

1. Haha, it is annoying that I am going to be poor soon, repaying my HECS debt before I can afford to live independently is totally lame!

Express your disdain for creeping HECS repayments with a casual laugh to hide your internalized fears for the future and concern for your ability to pay for rent and food while still being able to get brunch fairly often (AKA, The Australian Dream).

2. YASSS, I am very excited to put the money from my super toward owning my first home! But seriously house prices are only going to drop with more houses. Supply and demand baby!

This one is excellent, the “Yasss” precursor allows for the assumption that anything said afterwards is potentially ironic. This subtle injection of humour is essential when dealing with the existential dread that occurs whenever the thought of owning your own home occurs to you. The final sentence allows you to sound like you know what you’re talking about, despite the fact that you still aren’t 100% sure about what negative gearing is.

3. I sure am glad those pesky banks are being taxed more and will be held accountable for financial wrongdoing and skullduggery! I am certain they will not pass on these extra costs to me, the consumer.

Nice one! You’ve just successfully shown your conversation partner your disdain for the big banks whilst simultaneously displaying an awareness of the current financial climate. Uni kids will respect this tight blend of #wokeness and #socialistagression

4. Ah well, I guess Scott Morrison didn’t have time to talk about everything, I’m sure some mention of climate change will happen next budget.

Optimism is an attractive trait, potebtial baes will definitely rate this one as you display your concern for the environment and knowledge of what the treasurers name is.

5. Wow, Malcolm Turnbull is like, actually daddy

Let your Liberal love for the silver fox with a silver tongue fly. When in doubt, ignore any semblance of financial concern and just croon over the big dog at the top. Embrace your electra complex and steer the conversation toward Malcolm’s stern yet powerful voice and how sexy he looks in his Tarocash suit.