White Girls Guide To: Ball Season
Words by Elaine Jackson
I know what you’re thinking:
“Elaine! Engo Ball was last week! Law Ball is this weekend! Where were you two weeks ago when I was scouring The Iconic during lectures, looking for shoes that match-but-not-too-much with my bag? Where were you when I was kicking out the eleventh person on our ten-person table?”
Ugh, honestly, it’s like some of you don’t even know I procrastinate everything, not just assignments! Regardless, ball season throws up some unexpected situations that we’re usually not quite prepared for, so let me walk you through the best ways to handle everything from your outfit to your afters.
First things first: which ball?
For most uni events, I’d usually advise you to go with your Faculty: it’s easy, you always know people, and there’s a sense of comradery of drinking to your liver’s capacity with your peers.
However, ball season can be part of a tactical, long-term life plan. Want to marry someone who’s going to earn more than an Arts graduate? Go to literally any other ball. Law, Commerce, and Engo students’ have solid future prospects, and there’s the safety net of knowing that they can party.
Ugh, tables SUCK
We all know table negotiation is the worst (don’t get me started on people who leave a single sheet of paper on a Fisher desk to claim it). Typically, ball tables are bought in groups of five or ten. I know, it’s a huge pain. Rally your friends, and hold onto your spot on the table hard with the use of guilt and excitement – be that person who messages the group with “how keen are we” and a slew of emojis (not too many emojis, lest you get relegated the eleventh spot).
One person too few? Ask literally everyone you know. Make it your leading line on Bumble, DM that person you got with at Booze Cruise earlier this year, or hit up that girl from your tute…two years ago. Anyone works.
One person too many? Friendship politics often rules this one, but as a general rule of thumb, LIFO works: last in, first out. It’s not personal, it’s just business!
But what do I wear?
Your outfit is really where the costs start to add up for Ball Season. Sure, every white girl has those seven stupid dresses from Year 12 Formal Season that you could wear, but re-wearing a dress is like a first-year mechatronic engineering student having a girlfriend: simply unheard of. My suggestions? David Jones and The Iconic are one-stop-shops for everything you need #NotSponsored (#pleasesponsorme?)
What do I even expect on the night?
So, the night is actually here. You look the best you’ve looked all semester (thanks, weekly readings quizzes), alcohol is unlimited and freely flowing, and you’ve got your eye on a cutie on Table 17.
Sure, the dinner’s kinda shitty, the cutie on Table 17 is making out with someone from Table 20, and the DJ isn’t taking your request for the Spice Girls, but, make the most of it. It’s one night where you completely let your hair down alongside your friends in overpriced and painful shoes.
So, forget about the stack of readings and 25,000 words of assignments you have due in the next week! Top up your drink, hit the DF, and just demolish any future career prospects with your (very, very sad) attempts at twerking to Drake.