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How to stop being an entitled millennial piece of shit  (while still being an entitled millennial piece of shit)

How to stop being an entitled millennial piece of shit (while still being an entitled millennial piece of shit)

Words by Genevieve Couvret

In the face of our Instagram feeds and the impenetrable job market, we’re all in need of a little external validation. Vindicate your value to society by trying these 5 things:

1.             Donate Blood

Donating blood only takes an hour, is free, saves 3 lives and, more importantly, means you’ll have a Band-Aid on your arm. A BAND-AID. A way you can physically demonstrate to everyone what a good person you are. You’ll also get a donor card to keep in your wallet, giving you unlimited virtue-signaling potential every time you open your wallet.


2.             Get Drunk at a Social Enterprise

Imagine if you could continue plundering your money away on vodka lime sodas, but ALSO be a good person. Well you can. If you want to get lit and have your money go to charity, go to local venues like The Two Wolves. If you’re not into drinking, there are plenty of venues you can eat your feelings at that also donate to charity, like Folonomo or Lentil Is Anything.


3.    Watch Movies with Ethnic Cast Members to Support the Diversification of Hollywood

Every time you rave about Crazy Rich Asians or Hidden Figures or Moana, you’re showing the world that you’re not as complacent with your privilege as you know you are. Your movie ticket is actually proving that the box office loves diverse narratives, and sends a message to those pesky Hollywood studios that enables greater representation of minorities in the media. And, even better, everyone sees you as more woke than you actually are and congratulates you for enjoying a rom com (because that’s undoubtedly way harder to do when the cast isn’t white).


4.    Thrift Shopping and Donating your Clothes

A good outfit is a great way to boost your self-confidence. Buying from thrift stores will inflate your ego even more. You won’t just look good, you’ll actually look like a good person. It’ll also save you money, send the already excessive amount of money you spend on clothes to a good cause like Vinnies and help the environment. Plus, fast fashion is literally destroying the environment.

To even things out, clear out your wardrobe and instead of sending your clothes to landfill, practice sustainability by donating to people in need or make your clothes available for purchase by someone else who can pull off what you just can’t anymore.  


5.    Get a Keep Cup

Leverage your coffee addiction into something useful. Besides affirming your superiority complex every time anyone around you uses a paper cup, you’ll also be saving the planet one all-nighter at a time. Green capitalism definitely sounds better than regular capitalism, right?

Doing good deeds sounds pretty tiresome in the abstract, but it’s pretty easy if you just remember that the person altruism benefits most is you. If you’re going to be a selfish piece of shit, at least make an effort to pretend not to be.

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