How to survive STUVAC, as told by Kath & Kim

WORDS BY BIANKA FARMAKIS

It’s that time of year again, where end of semester drinks are flowing, and the prospect of asking out your tutorial crush seems so tangible, but definitely isn’t going to happen. It’s also a time where every student media outlet publishes a bullshit guide on how to survive STUVAC in an effort to meet their editorial quotas.

Cue Kath & Kim: the iconic duo that rendered the Bechtel Test obsolete for the three years and four seasons it ran on free-to-air ABC TV, and cemented itself as the pinnacle of bogan Australian culture. Kath & Kim set a standard of personal excellence and development that no many hundreds of seasons of Blue Heelers and Neighbours combined could produce. So in the effort to get you through your STUVAC period, we’ve scoured through the archives of the iconic Aussie show for the top pieces of advice.

“Does it make me a crim to keep myself trim?”

 ABC

ABC

It’s a cliché as old as time, but staying fit during STUVAC will help you see better results. Julia Roberts had to fly all the way to India to do some ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ bullshit to get herself together, but Kay Day Knight knew she only needed 20 minutes on the elliptical machine to balance her brain out. Talk about an icon in that aerobics gear as well.

“What about some fruit, Kimmy?” “Oh, good idea. Can you get me a cherry ripe? Jumbo size.”

 ABC

ABC

A balanced mind and balanced body all come from a balanced diet. Be like Kim and support the economy and our farmers by consuming locally grown produce.

“For your information, I do have a date! A sticky date!”

 ABC

ABC

If deadlines are getting you down and your simple extension request just got rejected, spit this fire comeback to any haters trying to remind you of the biggest stress in your life. If you don’t laugh through the pressure, then you’ll cry like Sharon did when she didn’t get a Yowie at the shops.

“Alright then, Chardonnay, Chardonnay, you pack of CHUNTS!”

 ABC

ABC

For any language students out there with a speaking exam coming up, it’s important to practice your pronunciation like Kim always finds time to.

“My marriage is over. O-V-A-H”

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ABC

A gentle reminder to always spell check everything you submit or write in an exam. Don’t underestimate the power of proof-reading.

“It’s nice, it’s different, it’s unusual.”

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ABC

If you’re not looking at your essay and thinking exactly this, then your angle is stale, conventional and just plain boring. The academic board have kept this Australian proverb in mind since the University’s inception. Only the truly noice, different and unusual pieces of work can crack that HD band.

Pulp Editors