Sex and where to have it on campus
Has StuVac got you in a rut? Have the post-semester blues, and hours of studying left you with FOMO for the sex-life you deserve? Need something to spice it up? Sick of rhetorical questions?
Here’s a *well-thought-out* list to act as your thrill-seeking inspiration (or checklist?)
IMPORTANT NOTES BEFORE WE GET STARTED:
Protection: If it’s not on, it’s NOT ON. Before you go out exploring the most exciting possibilities this campus has to offer, go and grab a condom (or 10, they are *FREE*, after all) from the SRC Office. The basket is right at the door, so you won’t miss it.
Cameras: A lot of these places are manned with camera surveillance. For the voyeuristically inclined, this will only add to the experience. It is possible to avoid these robotic peeping Toms at certain angles, though, so we suggest stretching as foreplay.
Access: As you read, it’ll become evident that some of these places are not accessible unless you are involved in a certain group on campus. This is an unfortunate reality. Our chief aim was to mention all and as many places to have sex on campus. This list is certainly not exhaustive and will probably be followed by series 2.
Let us begin.
Ahh, Fisher. For the young of heart, it is simply a space to study. But to those in the know, it’s a place to ‘study’. The sound booths on level 4 are the obvious choice; you can easily book to ensure the space is yours for up to (and we recommend you go for) 2 hours AND it’s sound proof with no cameras! What more could you want?! Maybe some comfort? Sadly, the provided chairs aren’t equatable to the love seat of your dreams, so take in a pillow from one of the couches found in the quiet zones to aid this. If you need to warm up before your booking, the Fisher stacks (level 8 or 9 best) are a good place to get in the ~mood~.
2. Holme Building Basement
Student Broadcaster? MECO wanker? Horny Student? You’re in luck. “The Den” in the Holme Building has a plethora of options for your coitus adventures. If you’re a MECO student you’ll have 24/7 swipe access to the radio rooms, so you have an added advantage. For the rest of you, the SURG room is open as long as the Holme Building is and has a couch. Same goes for the Meeting Rooms. I repeat: COUCHES. Right at the end of the basement is another nice place to warm up if you are so inclined. Almost always abandoned, it’s perfect for that *special* time with your *special* someone.
BONUS ROUND: SURG is sponsored by Four Seasons. Open any drawer in the room and prepare to be be met with the condom supply of your safe-sex dreams.
3. The Cellar Theatre
The Cellar is famous for housing some of the best student theatre in Australia. However, it’s more beloved for its intimate atmosphere and couches (or, in some instances, cupboards) that are ace for sex. If you’re not a member of SUDS you won’t know whether or not people will be using the space to rehearse/perform - so we recommend becoming a member of the SUDS Facebook group to have access to the Cellar schedule or just, you know, choosing literally any of the other places on this list. Members can get territorial over this theatre so if you’re not one, tread with extreme caution.
Home to the lifestyles of the narcissistic and sexually-charged stupol crowd. Look, you wouldn’t be wrong to think that a key ulterior motive behind a lot people’s run for SRC councillor is to get 24/7 access to the SRC offices. The entirely artificial, fluorescent lighting is RATHER unflattering. But when you’re dealing with Honi Soit breathing down your neck you’ll probably take any opportunity you can to unwind. We recommend making sure you have a pillow; the tables in the OB Room aren’t the most comfortable and there is the very real chance you will end the session with bruises if you do not heed this advice. The President’s office has a couch - for the occasional nap between meetings? Maybe. Or, for stress-relieving activities of a different, more limber, variety? Most likely.
The Honi Soit Office is also a potential option if you really want to test your luck. They have a mattress, a pillow and, contrary to popular USYD Rants opinion, that room has seen a lot of non-journalistic activity over the years…
5. Abandoned tute rooms - Institute Building
Bored with your dreary lecture in Mereweather? Everyday, throughout the semester, many tute rooms off City Road go unused — vacant and ready for you and your significant other to impurify. One of these is likely the Institute Building, on City Road. It’s ornate, yet dated architecture can add an old-time charm to your love life. The key here is the beloved Timetable Unit. Through it you’ll be able to find out which rooms are free and when. You’re welcome.
6. Bottom level Education Building
Amidst the media and communications labs and headquarters for USyd Update, the bottom level of the Education Building provides a haven for couples looking for some surreptitious action. Though there is the potential for scarring some unsuspecting first years, and staff, there is the added thrill of being caught. The odd camera can complement your kink, though if you’re a nervous performer, perhaps avoid. Once again, a pillow or thick blanket can become your best friend down there, as the age-old carpet can sometimes kill the mood.
7. Level 3 Abercrombie Business School Building
In the new Economics and Business building, there’s plenty of room to christen the light-filled, concrete and wood oasis ;) On the upper levels, in the tinted-windowed tute rooms, freshly laid carpet and central air conditioning provide a comfortable lovin’ environment. Additionally, the aesthetically pleasing cafe downstairs is a great outlet to rehydrate and recuperate with a coconut water or a soy flat white.
9. Mechatronic Engineering Lawns
For those over on the south side of campus looking to get frisky in between labs and pracs, the mechatronic lawns could be the place to reinvigorate your flaccid, study-filled love life. This outdoor space is one for our science-loving, thrill-seeking readers. The key, according to experienced sources is to watch out for how many people are around, and get it on quickly — alternatively, the space tends to be free post-6pm.
10. The Roundhouse near Veterinary Science Building
This heritage site used to be a stable for horse and cows. For the students who are, shall we say, a bit more unstable, this location speaks for itself. Let loose & horse around.