Nostalgic snacks guaranteed to distract you from your existential crisis
Ah, remember Mamee Noodles? You were once the happy child. Now you’re forced to dine on mi goreng for a week before your Centrelink comes through.
Search the recesses of your mind for the recesses of your youth, back when you were unburdened by the crushing weight of accumulating debt, lack of future prospects, and your continuing push towards an empty void of nothingness.
1) Mamee Noodles
A primary school staple and still readily available today, unlike those golden carefree days of your childhood. Those are lost to you forever. You used to laugh about playing handball. Hitting a tennis ball with your hand. Now look at you.
2) Frozie cup
The beauty of these frozen juice treats is that you can still do it yourself, even though everything tastes bland and meaningless to you now. You’ll need juice and a cup. Because it’s juice in a cup. It’s good preparation for the loneliness and forced independence of adulthood.
3) Eucalyptus Drops
They can sooth a sore throat but not the ever-increasing sense of dread about your future job security.
4) Killer Pythons
In 2014 the Killer Pythons of our youth were halved in size, from 47g to 24g, and repackaged as “treat size”. But the 90’s were the real treat. Things were just better then. 2016 sucks, Cheese TV is gone, and everything is awful.
These delicious chocolates stopped being manufactured in Australia in 2005. They were later re-launched for American markets around the same time you became too old to eat them, a suitable metaphor for how the magic of childhood will leave you when you need it most and consumerism always wins.
6) Apple Slinky
Ah, apple slinkies. BYO apple. For some reason seeing it cut and peeled into a coil made it taste better, but objectively it was still just an apple. Sometimes too tart, quickly turning an unappetising brown, soggy mess, and overall disappointing. Much like life.
These ice blocks were an Australian icon, bringing to mind images of sunny beach days and drops falling onto sand-encrusted, thong-clad feet. Was the sun brighter in the 90’s? Warmer? Kinder? I feel so cold.
Does anyone else remember fruit roll-ups? You used to think it was delicious and healthy but now they’ll only taste like disillusion. And plastic. And the bitter disappointment of the doctor telling you your body physically can’t handle this much sugar anymore.
9) Potato Smiles
Remember when you used to smile like that?