RECIPE: The most orgasmic cookies in the world

Katie Thorburn shares a delicious cookie recipe that celebrates the diversity and beauty of vulvas, and gives literal meaning to the phrase: "I'll have what she's having".

 

 

Ingredients:

  • Arrowroot biscuits (as many as you’d like vulvas).

  • Plain icing mixture (store bought, or make a batch of your favourite icing recipe).

  • Food colouring dyes (of whatever colours you’d like your vulvas to be. Reds and browns if you’d like a more natural-looking, albeit still ever so slightly artificially-coloured vulvas.Or, why not branch out with a range of colours for ‘party rainbow’ vulvas!).

  • Sprinkles (for pubic hair).

  • Lollies of your choice (suitable for representing clitorises, indicating vaginal openings, urethras and anuses, as well as diverse labia minoras!).
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The diversity of your vulvae is only limited by your imagination Your arrowroot biscuit is a canvas for your masterpiece. Do your best to aim for anatomical correctness, relying on the dexterity of your icing sugar handling, and your confectionary choice - but at the end of the day just have fun with it, and remember that however they turn out they’ll be beautiful, just like all vulvas are!

Step 1. Create the Icing Colours You’d Like

Place a bit of the icing mixture into various small tea-cups or bowls. Add a few drops of red dye in, and add more colour until you reach your desired hue. Experiment with the colour by adding different browns and reds together -  in order to truly capture the diversity of vulvas, it’s important to have as many colours and hues as possible.

Step 2. The Base of Your Vulva

Using a butter knife, spread your chosen coloured mixture over an arrowroot biscuit.

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Hold the oval biscuit in your hand with the narrow sides at the top and bottom – this is now the base upon which your vulva will grow!

Think of the anatomy: you’ll have a clitoris, its hood at the top, labia majora around this and labia minora coming down from it. There will most likely be pubic hair on the labia majora. You’ll then have a vaginal opening in the middle – or the labia minor flaps may be covering it – as well as a urethra opening between the clitoris and the vaginal opening. Then down the bottom, an anus, which will probably also have public hair around it.

Step 3. Add Pubic Hair (Optional)

Your vulva may be shaved or waxed, so you can always skip this part. It’s good to have a few in your batch with pubic hair though to acknowledge this naturally occurring aspect of the region.

Carefully pour sprinkles into a bowl or onto a plate.  Dip one narrow end of the icing covered oval biscuit into the sprinkles and then roll it around the edges to coat the biscuit in public hair sprinkles. You can be as hairy or as sparsely sprinkled as you like!

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Don’t forget to save some sprinkles to  dip around the anus, which will be at the very bottom of the oval.

Step 4. The Labia Minora or Inner Lips

Pick a confectionary that best makes for squiggly lips (snakes or cloud lollies cut in half work well).

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Or, if you’re particularly pissed at the patriarchy/seething at cis-male entitlement the day you buy the lolly decorations, you might buy ‘teeth’ to use as labia lips.

Using a different icing to the base, shape some lips on using a knife.

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This can be quite messy, but that can add to the effect of the different lips.

Step 5. The Labia Majora or Outer Lips

The arrowroot biscuit and the competing lollies can make it difficult to have all anatomical parts represented. However, you want to ensure the labia majora is clearly evident. A great way of doing this is through creating a mound with the base icing. You’ll need to ensure the icing mixture is of a thick consistency for this though.

 

Step 6. The Clitoris: the sweetest part!

Perhaps you want a prominent clit to command attention, or as a political statement of how the clit can be found, or to strongly indicate where it is for educational purposes. Maybe you want your clit depicted nestled in a clitoral hood. The choice is yours!

PS: Raspberries make particularly great plump clits, especially if you’re wanting to represent one that’s engorged with an excitement fuelled blood rush.

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Little hard candies can be good for the “feel that, little bump, yep, THAT, that’s the clitoris” conversation:

You can also cut soft lollies into different shapes and sizes to best represent your clit:

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Step 7. Anatomical Indications: Urethra and Anus

If you want anatomically correct vulvas for the point of accuracy and/or as a learning tool, you’ll want to indicate the often over-looked urethra and anus holes.

The urethra is rather tiny – bigger than a sprinkle, but much smaller than most commercially available lollies. That’s OK. You can always overemphasise:

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For the anus, use a little lolly and put this at the bottom of the oval. Or, if you’d like to use the arrowroot as wholly the vulva, you can have the lips end at the bottom of the oval and not include an anus. (It is difficult to create space for a gooch).

Like actual vulvas, experimenting will allow you to discover what you like. There will always be mistakes – the anus will somehow be near the lips, or the sizes will be out. If you’re worried, just eat it to destroy the evidence. And most importantly enjoy how beautiful each vulva is in its uniqueness.

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Pulp Editors