Red Carpet Looks In One Sentence
WORDS BY BIANKA FARMAKIS
Jane Fonda, 80-year-old fitness guru
Those butt burner exercise tapes Jane did in the day have worked so well, they’ve sculpture her shoulder – you might not be getting any gold Jane, but you should still avoid the metal detectors because at 80 years, you got buns of steel.
Agnes Varda, appears in “Faces Places” which was nominated for Best Documentary
Agnes does a three-piece suit right – comfortable, fresh as the red-carpet red-rose design, and not worn by a boring old wanker.
Taraji P Henson, Queen of the Silver Screen
Taraji P Henson is pulling this dress open to show that the carpet, does in fact, match the drapes – red god damn hot.
Emma Stone, Oscar Nominee, fashion travesty
Emma Stone came dressed to the Oscar’s like she wasn’t nominated for anything – way to go from La La to Blah Blah.
Rita Moreno, a presenter and former Oscar Winner in 1962
Rita did what every Oscar winner should do – wear the same dress so you can remind everyone of three things – bitch I won, bitch I looked good and bitch… the dress still fits 54 years on xox
Nicole Kidman, not as good as Cate Blanchett, but still an Oscar Winning Aussie
Nicole Kidman looks like the Christmas present I don’t want to open in front of people because I will not be able to conceal my disappointment.
Armie Hammer, that good looking white guy in mostly average films
Armie Hammer’s outfit is a gentle reminder that maybe not all white, blue-blooded, beautiful American men have Daddy’s credit card to buy a nice outfit.
St Vincent, a performer at the Oscars performing for a bunch of other performers
St Vincent in Saint Laurent looks like she’s attending the second funeral of the incredible French designer because he just turned over in his grave. It “ain’t Laurent without Yves” and this outfit ain’t great.
Jennifer Lawrence, that actress in everything
Rip off the bottom half of this dress, turn it into a disco ball and let me dance with this talented, strong woman underneath so we can fall as in love with each other as I am with her look.
Adam Rippon, Olympic Figure Skater, part-time leather daddy
Red room meets red carpet – Fifty Shades wasn’t nominated, but you may certainly stay.
Whoopi Goldberg, day time television celebrity
The print of this dress looks like it was ripped off the couch she sits you down on and gives you a cup of coffee and a lecture about your life on - points for throwing as much shade as she does on the View.
Salma Hayek, former Oscar Winner, not in anything good recently
When you have the Bollywood red carpet at 12, but have to hit the Oscar’s at 5. Salma Hayek is a beautiful woman of colour that should make sure she stays in her own lane when it comes to culturally appropriative Gucci gowns.
Meryl Streep, “does she need an introduction?”
Lord don’t strike me down for criticizing my President, but even Meryl Streep’s outfit would be torn apart by Miranda Priestly. Red on the red carpet? Groundbreaking.
Octavia Spencer, shat in a pie and got an Oscar
Spencer starred in the Shape of Water, but I’m digging the shape of her in this gown because the woman knows three things – acting, attitude and angles. Get it.
Timothee Chalamet, call him by his weirdly spelt name
Hands down my favourite look - white boy in all white got me turning red with hot flashes.
Margot Robbie, Australia’s latest Neighbours success story
Margot Robbie looks like a washed-up ice skater who had to break the knees of their opponent to win. Drama!