The Real Chapsticks of Sydney - the balms worth buying this winter
WORDS BY JACK CROSSING
Have you ever been in conversation with someone, often in the colder months, only to feel your eye wandering to the sight of their chapped, flakey lips? I have. It happens to the best of us, but as their levels of lip hydration run dangerously low, so too does your concentration on what they're actually saying.
Dry lip anxiety is a real and to make matters worse, the chapstick market lately is overwhelming to say the least - so here’s the low-down of a Woolies selection to make life a little easier. Your chapstick of choice in times of need says more about you than you might think... there is a lot that needs to be considered: price, brand, lip conditioning capabilities, aesthetic, taste, consistency, and attitude. Are you caring and nourishing? Fruity and flirty? Or a useless waste of time? Let’s find out, meet the Real Chapsticks of Sydney:
Revo - (EOS copy)
Don't trust her. She looks perfectly harmless on the outside, but when you get to know her, you'll realize she's as fake as they come. You'll need a backup buddy to finish the job for her. She probably shops at Ice or SES, because she knows nothing about quality.
You’ll be lured in by the similarities to the famed US brand EOS, only to find that this Revo is the ugly step-sister. The blue raspberry flavour I tried and it was far from fruity, probably given that blue raspberries are not a thing IRL. It tasted like Hubba-Bubba tape and had poor lip-conditioning capacities. I actually had to buy another balm to use in conjunction.
Nivea - Pearly Shine
She's glam as hell and a shameless flirt, but also the resident ditz of the group. She doesn't serve much of a purpose to anything but she's nice to look at.
I bought this chapstick by mistake thinking it was just your ordinary lip balm with the slightest evening shimmer. Unfortunately, I was right. It was just your ordinary lip balm with the slightest evening shimmer. Lip conditioning properties were average and the pink pearly shine screamed too much 00’s music video to reasonably pull off. If you're like me and need to dial down the Lizzie McGuire, I would avoid this number… save it for a night on the town.
Nivea - Essential Care
The peace-maker of the group. She’s quiet and understated but always saves the day. Compassionate and caring, she’s definitely one to have by your side. She’s a bit fragile however, so careful that she doesn’t melt under the heat of the drama. You won’t know what you had till it’s gone.
It’s not your glammest of balms; in fact it’s very neutral in flavour and tastes just how a chapstick should. This baby boasts of a seamless twist mechanism, and the softest conditioning that I’ve encountered to date. This is the only chapstick that I have successfully finished without carelessly losing it or putting it through the wash. Only downside is that when it’s stored in a particularly warm environment, it can become super soft (so much that a whole chunk came off on my lip one time), but I guess given this week’s temperatures, that won’t be happening too often.
She's feisty and full-on and isn’t apologetic about it. Not one you want to pick a fight with! She's always wearing designer.
If you're interested in having your lips superglued together then Lanolips is definitely for you! I don't know many sane people who would pay 15 dollars for this kind of torture...but at least it has a nice glossy aesthetic and some lush flavours to choose from. I'd say this is your WD-40 of ready-to-wear lip care, so if you've tried everything already, here's another product to throw your money away on.
Lucas' Papaw Ointment
She's pretty basic, but for some strange reason people seem to gravitate towards her. Manages to make a scene anywhere she goes and always leaves you wanting more. Shops at Sportsgirl.
Is it just me or do people who use papaw are applying it literally several thousand times a day?Something's not working here. Rumour has it that it actually contains ingredients designed to dry out your lips?! Surely not. I have more faith in the lip-balm industry than that. When people apply the flavourless yellow muck They always over-squeeze the tube, which ends up meaning they over apply, and end up with a wet-dog slobber aesthetic, gross. The packaging also needs a cute upgrade.
QUEEN. Don't mess with her.
I know. I was equally shocked that this is an actual product that exists on the market, that people would actually buy. If you're the type of person to spend $60 on a chapstick then kindly fuck off and take your elitist lips with you. Can't say a whole lot about the actual quality because I don’t have these kind of funds to throw at lipcare, but for this kind of money I better turn into Kylie fucking Jenner. Is it bad that I kinda need this though?
So long story short, Nivea Essential Care has my vote. In a brutal winter like this, forget the glam and do right by your pouting babies. Whatever your preference, lip balms are more important than ever. So when the winds get icy, keep your friends close, and your chapsticks closer.