Cop a Feel
Alt. Title: “The future the Liberals want.”
EXT. SHARE HOUSE. NIGHTTIME.
Camera is centred on a large but relatively dingy sharehouse somewhere in the Inner West. A single warm light is on in the upstairs window. Crickets and some light chatter can be heard.
INT. BEDROOM.
Three shots happen in quick succession: Camera is centred on a bare chest with an unbuttoned shirt, tote bag slung over the shoulder; The bag is dropped on the bed, and a smaller black bag is removed from the tote; The person, CAMERON (he/they), is now seen full body, handing the black bag to TY (they/them). TY reaches in the bag.
TY
What did you get?
CAMERON
Guess.
TY
A whip?
CAMERON
You said that too quickly. Did you want it to be a whip?
TY
This can be a later conversation.
CAMERON
Just open it.
TY opens the bag and pulls out a sexy police officer outfit. A light blue shirt-style bralette outfitted with a badge reading “officer on booty”, a similarly coloured pair of booty shorts, a gaudy police cap, and some fuzzy handcuffs. TY is… confused.
TY
What is this?
CAMERON
I dunno, I thought it’d be fun.
TY
Where did you get this?
CAMERON
We needed more lube.
CAMERON pulls out a two-litre pump bottle of lube from the tote.
TY
Ah.
Beat.
TY (cont.)
Why did you get this?
Beat.
CAMERON
You don’t like it?
TY
I mean I don’t love it.
CAMERON
I thought it’d be fun to try some new roleplay other than 90s boyband member and his security guard. Y’know, the sexy police officer and the helpless driver trying to get out of a ticket.
TY is clearly hesitant.
CAMERON (cont.)
C’mon, it could be fun! Ever since you started taking those acting classes you’ve got this sultry actor thing going on, how could I not make use of that in the bedroom?
Pause. TY is a little reluctant but willing to give it a go.
TY
Alright, so which one of us is the cop?
CAMERON
That’s Constable to you, thank you very much.
TY crawls up to the edge of the bed, takes their shirt off, and kneels in front of CAMERON, almost face to face. CAMERON stands over TY, slightly looking down with a serious face. From here, TY starts to play coy, and CAMERON gets dominant.
TY
Well, officer, whatever have I done today?
CAMERON
Well son…
TY
—Let’s drop the son.
CAMERON
Right, sorry... Well, I caught you doing 62 in a 60 zone.
TY
My, was I really going that fast? I didn’t even notice, I like taking things long and rough.
CAMERON
That’s no excuse. I’m gonna have to issue you a fine.
TY
Oh please sir, I can’t have another fine against me! Just one more could pull me into a relentless and inescapable cycle of poverty.
CAMERON pulls back for a second, but TY gives a teasing smirk. It’s all in jest, right? CAMERON cups TY’s face tauntingly.
CAMERON
Well I can think of something else you could pay with instead of a fine, and I’ll guess you’re more experienced with handling that than the road.
TY
Woah, are you profiling me officer? That’s so bigoted of you.
CAMERON
Did I say you could talk back to me?
CAMERON quickly pulls out a dildo baton from the bag. It comes across more threatening than probably intended. TY flinches.
TY
Okay where’s this going Cameron?
CAMERON
I feel like this is the direction the character is taking.
TY
I don’t like this anymore.
CAMERON
Okay.
CAMERON shifts back to his normal relaxed self and drops the baton. He sits on the edge of the bed next to TY, who looks a little shaky.
CAMERON (cont.)
You wanna talk about it?
Pause.
TY
Why did you bring this home?
CAMERON
I told you, I thought it’d be sexy.
TY
But why a police uniform? You know how I feel about cops. How we feel about cops. What happened to the Cameron who went to that “defund the police” protest with me last year?
CAMERON
Hey, I’m still here.
TY
I know you’re well-intentioned, but this is making me uncomfortable. It feels like we’re glorifying cops by making them sexy.
CAMERON
Well this cop isn’t exactly a good one, since he was about to fuck the shit out of you for a bribe.
TY
Which I want, but not from a cop. And especially not one in uniform.
CAMERON
You know this isn’t a real police uniform, right? I don’t think they profit from official booty shorts merchandise.
TY pulls out the shorts and stares at them wistfully.
TY
These would make your butt look amazing.
CAMERON
I know.
TY
But I can’t get behind it.
CAMERON
You can’t get behind my butt?
TY
I can always get behind your butt Cameron. But I… I don’t like this. I don’t feel like I can separate this from how I feel about cops. I just keep thinking about our friends who get racially profiled by police, the hate crimes, the fact that the police have such a long history of vilifying our community. How can I do this, can we do this, knowing that the system is so awful and racist and homophobic, and the police are the people who serve it?
Pause.
CAMERON
God you’re so hot when you’re passionate and nerdy.
TY
This isn’t passionate and nerdy, this is angry.
Pause. CAMERON’s attempt to simmer the situation down didn’t work.
TY (Cont.)
We agreed that we thought police in uniform at Mardi Gras was a bad idea. I mean, we didn’t get a formal recognition from the NSW force that they fucked up in not investigating hate crimes properly for basically the whole time they’ve existed until like two years ago.
CAMERON
I’m sorry. I didn’t think about what this meant on, like, a systemic level. I thought it would be fun.
TY
I know.
Pause.
CAMERON
I just… sometimes I feel like painting every police officer as an inherently bad person isn’t productive either. It feels like painting a brush over a much more complex issue. What happens to the people trying to change the system on the inside?
TY
They’re still on the inside Cameron. They can fight the system, until that moment comes when they have to choose between their morals and their job, and they choose their job. “Good” cops aren’t anti-heroes, they’re just cops who sometimes can make good choices.
CAMERON
Yeah. Yeah I know. I just hate living with that feeling that, that no matter what we do, the whole system just sucks. As much as we fight it, it feels like there’ll never be actual justice, or restorative justice, or any sort of care for defunding and uplifting the things that could actually lead to change, like welfare and social resources. I wish sometimes it didn’t feel so… insurmountable. And, I dunno, I thought for a night we could live in that moment between us, without that feeling.
TY
But you can’t just switch off that knowledge, that fight that I have, that we have. That’s a privilege that we have to reject. There is no politics without bedroom politics.
CAMERON
That is a great line. Is that a quote or something?
TY
No I just kinda said it now, but you’re so right. Wait.
TY pulls out their phone and writes “there is no politics without bedroom politics” on their notes app.
TY (cont.)
Okay done.
CAMERON
So what do we do?
TY
I just want us to acknowledge that this is uncomfortable.
CAMERON
Okay, it’s acknowledged.
TY
And that without actually discussing the politics of this, I was uncomfortable with it.
CAMERON
I’m so sorry.
TY
It’s cool, thank you for stopping when I asked.
CAMERON
The last thing I want is to push you somewhere you’re uncomfortable.
Pause.
CAMERON (cont.)
We’re cool?
TY
Yeah.
CAMERON and TY kiss and embrace deeply. TY pulls away.
TY (cont.)
I did kind of want to see you in the booty shorts.
CAMERON
Oh?
TY
Yeah, I mean, we don’t have to roleplay, but I have to see what your ass looks like.
CAMERON
Well how could I say no to that?
CAMERON stands up and starts to strip. TY gets up in front of CAMERON and pushes him onto the edge of the bed, and they start to make out.
TY
But uh, Constable Cameron?
CAMERON
Yes?
TY
Whispering in his ear
ACAB.
CAMERON giggles as TY disappears off camera down CAMERON’s body.