This will get bigger (if you know what I mean)

What I have described has been, in many ways, a coming-of-age. Or perhaps more appropriately, my ‘cumming-of-age’.

I am sorry if you are above the age of 14 and have never listened to The 1975. Not only have you cheated yourself of the glittering guitar riffs and stirring synth solos leading our generation’s rock renaissance, but you have been deprived of absolute lyrical genius. Like, for example, the story of the man who “likes to get blown” or carries around “pictures of his penis.” Truly touching.

I had just started high school when I heard UGH! for the first time. The album’s striking neon artwork appeared suddenly on my overheating iPhone 5C — the missing piece of the Lana Del Rey x Halsey emo trifecta that my Spotify algorithm had successfully ensnared me within. Despite being some of the few words I could successfully decipher on that track, I had no idea what lead singer Matty Healy meant when he sang “I don’t have the capacity for fuckin’, you’re meant to be helping me.” Fuckin’? As in… sex?! With my interest piqued, I quickly skipped the song.

Seven years later, with one third of my life between that sunset on the bus and the subdued glow of my keyboard as I type this, I am finally mature enough to appreciate Healy’s immaturity. It’s true: we are fucking in a car. You do make me hard, but she makes me weak. I am feeling apathetic after scrolling through hell — and I do think I have a boner, but I can’t really tell. Rah rah rah consultation, rah rah rah degradation, fossil-fueling and masturbation. All we seem to do is talk about SEX!

What I have described has been, in many ways, a coming-of-age. Or perhaps more appropriately, my ‘cumming-of-age’. It is, of course, undeniably founded on dick jokes from a thirty-something year-old stage-rat with a problematic sense of humour and some form of lung cancer. But it is also something bigger than that. I have soundtracked my youth to these phallic-ies. I have spent hundreds of dollars to see them live; they have made me laugh when all I have wanted to do is cry. I have learned about my femininity against these silly, but never stupid, shows of masculinity. 

Being Funny In A Foreign Language featured the most references to Healy’s penis of The 1975’s entire discography to date. For the first time in my life, I understood all of them instantly — and to think there are still people who believe the female orgasm is a myth.